I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
