First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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