i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
