He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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