i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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