it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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