I looked at my own cervix.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
