Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
