How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Watching her eat just hurts me
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
