I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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