Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
