I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Randomize
