Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
