I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize