walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
