and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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