My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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