hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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