Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
