I wish my penis had an off switch
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
jump out the window naked night went bad
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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