shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
