he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
