You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
