My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
