mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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