Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
