Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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