Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
