Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize