I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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