he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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