Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
