and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Randomize
