oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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