my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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