I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
