Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
