in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
