Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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