Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
