Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
