Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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