i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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