Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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