you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize