Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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