Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
