Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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