Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
