This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize