You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
