so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i think i scared a bird with my dick
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
