I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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