im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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