the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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