I wish my penis had an off switch
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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