I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
